Sixty

...life is beginning to make sense

This year I turned 60 and it was a big deal. I have never been bothered about age and numbers before but this one bothered me. I knew it bothered me because the year before I kept telling anyone who would listen that I would be 60 next year. Somehow it opened this unexpected can of worms. I remembered celebrating my mum’s 60th & thinking how old that was. She was still working right up until she got a terminal illness and died at 68. I didn’t want that to be my life. To not get the opportunity to live the way I wanted to live.

I didn’t feel old…but it felt like this impending number was suggesting something different. It was, after all, the age until fairly recently where women could retire. I suppose as well it was about accepting the reality that all my hopes and dreams might not all happen in this lifetime. I started to think about all the places in this country that I might not get to see and all the different cultures worldwide that I might not get to experience. You never know though. I have been lucky enough to visit South Africa when I turned 50, which was important to me as it is part of my heritage. Then this year I got to go out to Australia as my daughter now lives there. So it was coming to terms with that, whilst still claiming a new found appreciation of reality AND you never know too.

From a young age because of my dysfunctional family background I had always clung to the belief that I could make anything happen if I put my mind to it…because I’d had to. Sometimes this way of thinking led me down paths that I really should have quit on sooner…but my tenacity kept me going. Now I have a much healthier approach and accepting of the fact that some things might not happen. No matter how much effort or will I put to them. Also, I’ve learnt that sometimes pushing so hard to make something come in to fruition is the Universe’s way of gently nudging me to tell me it isn’t right for me. The old me would have just fought back harder…the gift of getting wiser!

On the flip side my increasing age has brought me the greatest freedom and joy in my life. I feel more content in my own skin and show up everywhere as myself, with all my well-earned imperfections. It seems odd to say that painting has played a big part in gifting this to me but it is the truth. When I’m painting everything makes perfect sense. All my life I would often say I am seeking a job that doesn’t feel like a job. And trust me I tried endless jobs. Finally, finally I have found it….without even looking. Now don’t get me wrong painting is not sufficiently financially lucrative for me that it supports me totally. I do have other work I do to keep a degree of cash flowing…but still it lights me up enough to feel that I am doing the thing I always dreamed of doing.

I also have to cite my deepening faith and appreciation of nature for keeping me on my own path. Trusting in life. I don’t feel I have to conform or follow the crowd…there’s such liberation in that. It turns out turning 60 is ok after all. It is the year where I held my first solo art exhibition in a sought after gallery in Woodbridge. It is the year where I travelled solo to Australia via China. It is the year where I fell in love with my sister over & over again. It is the year when I felt great pride in my daughters. It is the year when I started appreciating my partner for always accepting me as I am. And so it goes on…

How about you? What’s your year been like?